This post will be a little personal. I want to record my realizations and goals for future reference, so here we go.
For weeks I've been sinking into the daily routine of commuting to school and heading back home. I was depressed, knowing that I was here on the other side of the world alone. Yes, I realize that I am very blessed to be here in Japan, and that not many can receive this amazing opportunity. I am beyond grateful for the blessings I have. However, my feelings were still real. I can still feel sad in any part of the world- I can still feel lonely. I shouldn't have to justify my feelings for anyone.
My main goal for coming here was to get better at my Japanese. My dream is to be fluent, so my purpose here is slowly but surely being fulfilled. Though, I later questioned what I was really here for. If I just have one goal, then what else should I be doing here? I'm neither much of a sight-seer, nor do I particularly enjoy tours. I like seeing the world through the eyes of a local. Those hidden nooks where only the locals know how to find- I want to be there. Other than that, I had no ideas for what I really wanted to do here.
Thus, I sank. I sat on the train like everyone else, and stared out the window. I reached out to friends back at home, but it's only natural that their lives were moving forward as usual. Not only that, but a 14 hour time difference is not something easy to overcome when it comes to contacting others back in the states. Things that I knew before were slowly disappearing and I got angry.
It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized my purpose for being so far away from everything: exactly that,
to be far away from everything.
In a life where school is demanding and frustrating, where days were filled with drama and anxiety, where I questioned everything around me- when would I ever have the chance to just stop and take a good look at myself? I would have been stuck in a vicious cycle, unable to wake up and see what was important. Of course, as I have stated in previous posts, there were times where I was able to find some relief and relaxation. (Maybe I would have reached this same conclusion if I was still at home, but probably not as efficiently as this.) Unfortunately, for years I would see my self as someone who wasn't worth thinking about. I would always put everyone before me, which is both a good and bad thing. I put myself in this situation, and now I am able to get myself out. I want to be free of my old self.
Here I am, on the other side of the world with myself.
Just. Myself.
My purpose of being here is to finally focus on me. All the while, I am keeping contact with those who love and support me, but there is no more confusion for the next 3 months. I can't take the time I was given for granted. I want to use this opportunity to the fullest and finally grow. It's time for me to be a little selfish.
When I realized this, my face lit up into this ridiculous smile. (I probably scared someone on my way to the train.) For the first time in months, I put my headphones on, and danced (internally) to the music that was once my muse. For the first time in months I felt inspired enough to pick up a pencil and draw whatever came to my head. For the first time in months,
I felt free.
